First, allow me to congratulate your fine cities on
their vigilance with regard to their burgeoning
population of sexual deviants. I'm certain that
business and casual travelers alike - not to mention
convention bookers - are relieved to know that your
airport has taken strenuous measures to assure that
every traveler is observed while attending to their
biological needs. What better application of Homeland
defense funding than round-the-clock staffing of public
restrooms with fulltime police officers well trained in
the habits of the deviants of your community !
The recent arrest of Senator Craig has undoubtedly
provided a significant boost to your efforts
to host future political conventions. I have no doubt
you're updating your convention prospectus material as
I write this. The rallying cry of "Never fear: no queers here!"
will undoubtedly warm the hearts of convention delegates
of both parties.
However, if I may, I'd like to offer a few suggestions
to avoid potential future unsavory episodes:
- Perhaps your airport could serve edible food ?
While I am uncertain as to Sen. Craig's dietary habits,
I personally have feasted upon the fare available at
the Minneapolis Airport, esp. while stranded for a day
or so awaiting the arrival of the latest jet Northwest Air
has been able to get out of hock, and must admit I too
tapped my feet a time or two in a bathroom stall shortly
thereafter, and may have made somewhat rude and
violent gestures with my hands during the inevitable
reaction.
- Smaller, dingier restrooms: while I appreciate that
you've attempted to make the airport restrooms as undesirable
as possible by strewing bits of dung, mucous, and soiled toilet
paper about, (the complete lack of ventilation was pure genious!),
the more prurient elements of your community appear to still
find them a welcome site for their erstwhile trysts. Perhaps
removing the doors from the stalls - or removing the stalls altogether -,
along with creating additional leaks in the urinals, or improving the
content of the many literary barbs inscribed upon the walls,
may help eradicate the problem ? Certainly, a fully armed and
uniformed patrolman in each restroom, occupying the lone remaining stall
24/7, will keep the perverts at bay.
- Due to the recent unfortunate episode involving Sen. Craig, our nation
is finally giving proper honor to the heroic actions of the Public Restroom
Patrolman. The trials, diligence, and humanity of these brave warriors of the WC
was never better portrayed than in the Pulitzer Prize winning
Confederacy of Dunces,
wherein both a pornographic photographer, *and*
a politcal party of fops and dandies are foiled by the vigliant efforts and adroit
exploits of the brave and wiley Patrolman Mancuso. Despite their unimpunable credentials
in the practices of the perverse, your restroom patrolmen
might well take a few lessons from Mancuso's cunning tactics and many disguises.
I hope my suggestions do not fall on deaf ears, In this moment of glory,
full of a sense of pride and self-congratulation,
you and your constabulatory may look askance at the "low hanging fruit"
available to control the more salacious nenbers of your community.
Until later,
Tab, Your pacifist Working Boy
