My father is scheduled to have a tumor removed tomorrow at 2:30 P.M. CST, God willing. This tumor was found unexpectedly just two weeks ago during a colonoscopy. They actually went further in than for a standard colonoscopy and found this growth in his appendix. Good news is it's small and not even visible on a CT scan, but we're still all scared stiff. We're still scared stiff. This is pretty serious surgery, with 4-6 weeks to recover. It's conceivable he might not make it, though I suppose that's unlikely. The real worry is not that he won't be with us after tomorrow afternoon, but that what they find when they get inside might mean he won't be here much longer.
I'd grieve a long time if any other member of my family were lost, but that wouldn't leave me with the same sense of terror about the future. I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" Saturday night with Sarah and it was amazing how many little details I saw and wanted to call my dad and ask his take on. (It's our favorite movie, all right?) If I want to consult him over little things like that, how am I going to survive if he's not here for real life questions?
Re:Fears
jdavidb on 2003-06-17T13:58:52
A few years back I realized that I could lose anyone in my life and be okay
... except one. That was Dad. I've had to take that exercise in two weeks. As for regrets, I know we don't have any, at least not the kind based on actions we've taken. Dad and I have had our arguments, but they weren't anything beyond what any two people who live together and interact go through. We're on good terms, we love each other dearly, and both of us know it. The family's taken our vacations and seen our sights, worked together so his values would be imparted to our generation, shared good times and bad, and if my dad died this afternoon nobody could say he didn't lead a full life in his 56 years or that any of us left anything unsaid.
But I'm just awed at all the things I still want to ask him about. Car and home repairs. Investment advice. Religious questions. Women questions. Parenting questions. I firmly believe my father to be one of the best parents alive. I'm biased, but I have done some comparison.
;) He just knows so much about human nature and about how people need to be treated. I hope I've absorbed a fraction of what he knows, and I pray to God he'll still be around to advise me when I have my own children to raise.
That all having been said, I wish you, your father and your family the best and hope that it all works out okay.
It's really bizarre to hear that my father, the man who took machine gun fire and winked at the medics carrying him out, is sleeping for over 30 hours because he's being affected by chemicals. And it really never occurred to me that he might even die, because, frankly, he's always been fifty times tougher than me.
And it worries me a great deal that he might not be fifty times tougher than me any more. I cannot possibly live up to this guy -- I mean, he ingested mercury and there were no apparent ill effects, etc., he's just indestructible.
This has happened to me before -- a seeming inviolate person/thing becoming violated in some way -- and each time, I find that the results leave me of two minds. In one sense, I can't see how it could have turned out any other way, and in another, it's still mindboggling to me that it turned out the way it did.
I suspect I'll find out in a few years how things will go for my father. I have a certain amount of faith in science that, assuming he holds on for a few more years, solutions will be in place. (Like for his heart problem. I believe that replacement hearts will be reasonably reliable within 5-10 years. Biotech is a fast-moving field these days.)
Re:Synchronicity
jdavidb on 2003-06-17T13:52:42
Wow; all the best for your father. Where did he take machine gun fire?
Last year we all had to go through the exercise of acknowledging my grandparents couldn't care for themselves any more, and my father assumed that primary responsibility. We've all been preparing to lose them. Now, less than a year later, and in the space of about two weeks, I'm facing all the same uncertainty about my own father.
This has happened to me before -- a seeming inviolate person/thing becoming violated in some way -- and each time, I find that the results leave me of two minds. In one sense, I can't see how it could have turned out any other way, and in another, it's still mindboggling to me that it turned out the way it did.
Wow; I know exactly what you mean. My parents' divorce was that way; certain screwups in my education were that way. I can see the future either way, but I know how I want it.
Re:Synchronicity
chaoticset on 2003-06-17T19:50:39
Abdomen. There's still a pit in his lower back where it passed through (can't remember if it's the exit or entrance) but I can remember being younger and my entire fist fitting inside the pit. In front, there's pockmark after pockmark where staples were inserted (not really sure of this, don't ask much about the injury). I mention it only because, when I was younger, I apparently used to think my father had around 17 "bellybuttons".:\ My memories of my grandparents are really fleeting -- my grandmother and grandfather on my father's side, I can remember seeing all of once, before they were gone. (Grandfather passed away, grandmother was stricken with Alzheimer's. I never really knew either of them.)
Most of my life I have prided myself on being able to deal with unknowns, usually by adapting quickly or in some cases forseeing ripe possibilities before most people. The flip side of that is, of course, that truly unexpected change has a habit of hitting me so hard that I really don't have any capacity to deal with it.
I cannot honestly imagine what will happen if my father dies. I suspect highly that I won't actually see any effects until well after the funeral.
