I've been waiting to say anything about this in public until after I got a chance to surprise a bunch of friends at the party that my last journal entry was about. But Jody and I, after 14 years of marriage, have decided to have a baby. She's now about 4 months pregnant, and is due in late November.
Good advice is welcome. As you can imagine, we've received a lot. Ranging from the suggestion that her fingernails get trimmed before labour to the advice that scooping out one belly-shaped hole in the beach and lying in it is a wonderful experience. The oddest piece of useful advice so far is the suggestion to buy this to cut down on her having to maneuver around in tight spaces. (Note: If you're unable to handle mentions of private body parts, do not follow that link until you grow up. At least one person was offended already...)
Link not safe for me!
Re:TMI
btilly on 2004-07-05T18:10:42
My apologies for offending you with a practical device designed for the female anatomy. I'd guess that you also aren't comfortable buying tampons in a public place.
One thing that marriage has taught me is to get over things like that...Re:TMI
chromatic on 2004-07-06T07:26:40
I found your description of the beach sand experience interesting and had hoped to find more interesting information in your link. Perhaps when you've finished feeling righteously indignant, you will have time to consider you provided absolutely no description of its destination.
In the future, please consider providing a more context than the word "this" as a link title. Some people may read your journal in public places, at work, or in other places where content you find natural or neutral may be inappropriate. It would be courteous to warn them of the general nature of such a link.
Meanwhile, I would also appreciate it if you would cease casting aspersions on my ability or inability to function as a mature human being.
About taboo subjects
btilly on 2004-07-05T19:09:11
I think that it is important to be able to talk practically about topics, even when they are supposedly "taboo".
Let me give a simple example.
When a woman has menstrual cramps, they can be helped enormously by knowing about a basic pressure point. Create a "fat pinch" between your thumb and forefinger between the Achilles tendon and the ankle. Hold. Do both ankles at once if you can.
Not many people know this. The ones that do know it are unlikely to tell it to people because it never naturally comes up in conversation, because it is taboo to talk about on both sides.
Based on a back of the envelope calculation, several tens of thousands of women in the USA are experiencing unnecessary amounts of pain at this moment because people are too ashamed to ask for or pass along this bit of useful advice.Re:About taboo subjects
hfb on 2004-07-05T19:58:49
Ben, this is a crowd where the simple utterance of BOOBIES can cause a hush to descend on the conversation. Talking about fat preggers women needing a canula to pee in a tiny stall made for women a lot less encumbered is WAY over their heads.:) And cramps? LOL...I can smell the blue smoke escaping even from this distance :) Do you think that I don't know that?
btilly on 2004-07-05T20:40:47
I'm just stating that I don't like it. And I don't like it because the skittishness and nervousness has real human costs.
For instance if you can't talk about teats, how are you ever going to talk about things like issues involving breastfeeding? Like providing places to do it.
On a different topic, a book that I think you might like is The Price of Motherhood. It is about how much motherhood costs women, and all of the subtle ways that society (particularly in the USA) increases that cost.Re:Do you think that I don't know that?
hfb on 2004-07-05T21:24:51
I don't recall you being such a crusader for change in this regard. What people say and what people do are usually 180 degrees different from each other, e.g. people who say they want more women around perl yet discuss the hot booth babes or ask women who their boyfriend is at conferences when they're attending on their own. Hey, the canula thing even squicks me since, well, I know they exist but I'm not terribly eager to discuss them. Aim lower and lower your expectations, I have.
I don't talk about teats, but I have been known to mention breasts now and then. I don't care much about breastfeeding or lack of places to do it but, then, I'm not in the family way nor do I live in the US. It's just not a topic I'd randomly expect a group of strangers could discuss comfortably or even friends. Bodily functions are generally considered to be personal and, frankly, I'm really happy about that. I could, however, write a book on the cost of expatriating....
I'm normally not a crusader on this...
btilly on 2004-07-05T21:44:50
I can recognize lost causes when I see them. But sometimes I get annoyed and let people know how I feel anyways.
Incidentally the flip side of your say and do comment is that sometimes someone who you wouldn't necessarily expect to "get it", does. I'd like to believe that I'm an example. (Which I am..for some appropriately limited definition of "get it".)Re:I'm normally not a crusader on this...
hfb on 2004-07-06T08:31:27
Well, just don't become the parentus of borg, you know the ones, the ones who start pushing the economics of being parents and not being able to have it all, rabidly harassing the local stores for mommy parking and discussing the colour of baby poop in mixed company. Women are paid, on average, 30% or so less than their male counterparts even without the kids and there are a lot of ways you can commit career suicide. At least if you have kids, you've got family. You can't always have it all.
'Getting it' isn't enough, you must being willing to enforce opinions in a peer group or in the workplace. I hate cowardly guys who send me email saying 'I totally agree' while they let me go to the dogs alone. I'm going to put good money down that you're going to have a girl since it seems that perl guys are running at a 90% probability of spawning females. I think of it as a sign, an omen.
:) Well, aside from the idea that maybe laptops with wireless kill off all the Y sperm.... Re:I'm normally not a crusader on this...
btilly on 2004-07-07T01:58:31
Whether I'll take that advice depends on what you mean by parentus of borg.
First of all I'd like to see where the 30% figure comes from. Studies that I've seen suggest that if a woman goes into the same career as a men and does not have children, the woman makes close to what he does - for instance in one comparison of lawyers she'll make 98 cents to his dollar.
Of course things seldom are that equal, women do not always pick the same careers, and women often have kids. And in total it works out that women make about 60 cents on the dollar that a guy makes. And I'd think that more than 1/4 of the difference comes from women exiting or cutting back in the work force due to child care issues.
Going on to economics, there are two major kinds of issues here. The first are ways that society makes kids more difficult than they need to be. The second are things that ensure that women will bear an unfair fraction of the costs.
The first you may not agree with. Certainly you have picked examples which are designed to look silly. However I submit that while something ensuring better access to childcare would cost a lot of money, the government would be likely to make it back in several times over in extra taxes paid by women who would otherwise exit professional careers. Not to mention the boost to the economy. I think that that's worthwhile.
The second I see no good reason why you would oppose. For instance after divorce, men usually wind up at a better lifestyle while women and children wind up far worse off. Sure, you can't all be at the previous lifestyle - 2 homes costs more than 1. But there is no reason that there should be nearly as big a discrepancy as there usually is.
Even if you don't want kids, you can look at it this way. Changing the rules to help moms stay in the workforce means that you'll be working with more women. Which means you'll have more people around who are likely to want things to change like you want them to.
And now onto your, "'Getting it' isn't enough" comment. I've been in the position of seeing things that I disagree with. I've argued against it. I've also been there and not had the energy to butt in. As I said above, I've burned out on crusading on this topic. Unless I see bad advice being handed out that someone might act on, or I see it causing someone a problem right now, I generally won't start a fight over stupidity.
I don't know where that puts me in your books. However I'd like to point out that it is unfair for you to believe that I must act on the issues that you care about, while you're free to belittle ones that I might care about. I care about what I care about, and the fact of your judging me one way or another won't alter my opinions or behaviour. (Now the reasons for your opinions, if explained to me, might. That is a different thing entirely.)
First and foremost, congratulations to both of you.
Second, realize your life will soon be over.
More seriously, the best advice I can give you is to get What to expect the first year. It was an invaluable help to us.
In my experience, getting thru pregnancy was a breeze compared to bringing the baby home and being shocked at things like green poop in the diapers. (No, no link for that one.
And congratulations again...you'll do fine
