Dear Log,
The jargon of applied grammatical critique (or "stylistics", to use an imposing word) is full of horribly opaque
and misleading terms, which have more backstory than sense: "comma
splice", "predicate nominative", "dangling modifier", and so on.
But I will now menace you with a new term that I have invented:
"Mooninite".
I am compelled to do this, because of the perfect resemblance
between, on the one hand, the sayings of Ignignokt the
Mooninite on Aqua Teen Hunger
Force and,
on the other hand, the style of a certain kind of bad
technical writing.
By "Mooninite" prose, I mean long sentences that weirdly combine
colloquialisms with ill-fitting formalisms.
Consider:
- This revision was more in the lines of finalizing the job.
- Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitchslap.
- Some care is required when we literally wish the period
symbol.
- Your jambox is now his, by way of our actions.
- Suspension of pay and deprivation of all uniforms and insignia, a
black mark on left cheek and confinement on org premises or dismissal
from post and debarment from premises.
- We are advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with
one hundred percent of your brain.
- If the condition determines that the first value is greater than
the second value then the values are interchanged.
- Your logic is flawless, but my brain has transmitted a better idea.
- We must lay the server logs next to each other to see
corresponding behaviors (or do the virtual equivalent thereof). We
also need to review how the company is utilizing some of the web
methods to pull data from the source.
- Let's leave this primitive rock because there's nothing but
cavemen here.
- Three critical design characteristics of the objective set the
ultimate resolution limit of the microscope.
- This pornography is infinitely excellent; this dresser, however, is
not. Torch the dresser, Meatwad.
- To sign up for a major service, a member must either have six months
free IAS membership in existence, or be on the yearly paid membership.
- If we were to stoop so low as to get your pathetic "directions"!
Your punishment is to write those down, for suggesting anything to us,
now and forever.
- HP, however, will have no liability related to the content of any
such Communications, whether or not arising under the laws of
copyright, libel, privacy, obscenity, or otherwise.
- We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.
- Groovy is designed to help you get things done on the Java
platform in a quicker, more concise and fun way - bringing the power
of Python and Ruby inside the Java platform.
- The Moon has one third less gravity than your Earth; I don't know
if you can understand that, but our vertical leap is beyond all
measurement.
When I come across Mooninite prose in manuscripts, sometimes I just
play nice and write "awkward" or "simplify!" in the margin. But if
I'm the only one who'll be seeing this particular printout, I'll
stop and draw a little
Ignignokt in the margin.
Now and forever.
